Lawn Gnome Kidnapper Caught At Last!

Yesterday, police were given an anonymous tip regarding the location of one Phil Lynch, a prime suspect thought to be behind the recent rash missing lawn gnomes. Enough evidence was produced to issue a search warrant, and officers were dispatched to the man's property. Nothing was found in Mr. Lynch's house, but on searching the grounds they discovered a small shack in the woods. They burst in to discover a gruesome scene. A recent victim, who was reported missing by his friends and family two weeks ago, was found inside, being cruelly kept locked in a styrofoam fishing cooler. Various questionable items were found within the shack, including but not limited to: a wardrobe filled with women's underwear, as well as several stacks of illegal "gnome porn".

The victim, who chooses to remain nameless, has been taken to a safe place where it is thought he will need extensive therapy, and perhaps brainwashing, in order to be able to live a normal life again. The only statement we could extract from him was: "Oh god, the chest hair! Not the leather bustier!"

Mr. Lynch is now being held in custody, and is expected to receive at least five years imprisonment. He will also carry the title of "gnome predator" for the rest of his life.

When his neighbors were questioned as to whether they had ever noticed any unusual behavior, they denied it. "He always was kind of quiet and weird, but I thought it was just because he was constipated," stated old Mrs. Higgins, who lives across the street from Lynch.

When asked, Basil Windsor, better-known as Travelocity's "Roaming Gnome" issued our reporter this statement: "This is just an example of how little respect the world has for gnomes! We work for years as their loyal lawn ornaments, and what kind of thanks do we get in return?" Mr. Windsor is the creator of the SYF, or Safe Yard Foundation, which advocates a screening of all possible gnome employers for past gnomic sexual harassment tendencies. He says it is a problem which is more prevalent than most people realize, and believes that education and action are the only way to ensure that gnomes can live and work in a safe environment. 

Bigfoot Comes Out Of The Closet

Today, Bigfoot announced before a small assemblage of newspeople that he was homosexual, a revelation that shocked many and angered a few.

"All those abducted female hikers, it was just for show," he stated "I can assure you all that I am most definitely gay."

When questioned on whether the fact that he is the only surviving member of his species proved to be somewhat of a complication, Bigfoot declined to answer reporter's inquiries.

"You all just hate me because I'm not like you!" he cried, and burst into tears. "Just because I dress my pet poodle in little sweaters and watch Lifetime doesn't give you any right to judge me!"

With that, he ran away sobbing, clutching his poodle Fifi.

Many, especially in the South, are now boycotting Bigfoot.

"He just ain't no fit role model for our kids," says one North Carolina resident.

"My momma always taught us young'uns that Jesus don't like queers," says another man polled, from central Florida.

"Hey, I like dressing my poodle up in little sweaters too!" was another heated comment.

It is expected that most of his devotees will be loyal to their favorite giant forest ape, no matter what his sexual orientation. However, the question remains: will this confession hurt Bigfoot's position in the television and movie industry? Only time will tell.

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